Today is the day we are officially divorced.
And I wanted to say thank you.
Thank you for making me grow up. I met you when I was 20. I was a little girl. I was already broken, to be honest, and it didn’t take much for you to learn which pieces of me were missing. I was careless, unintelligent, and had no accurate idea about real life. But you made me grow up. With marriage, a baby, houses and condos, moving cities, and now, a divorce. Thank you, for making me a grown up. It would have happened eventually anyway but thank you. For it’s you in my story who made me grow up.
Thank you for treating me wrong. You were my first boyfriend. You set the bar on how I was treated by a partner. Our toxic relationship was a nightmare and no matter what I would try to do, change about me, or fix, I still always felt like it wasn’t enough. That I wasn’t good enough for you, no matter what I did, you wouldn’t respect or love me enough to treat me as such all the time. Thank you, for you showed me what I don’t deserve. I don’t deserve part-time love and respect. I don’t deserve to put in effort and see little to none reciprocated. For without being treated wrong by you, I would never be able to truly appreciate when I am treated right.
Thank you for taking everything away. You took me away from friends, family, my home, and everything I knew. You took away money and you took away my things. You took my heart, my sanity and my drive for life. You took away seemingly everything I had to give, and then some. If it weren’t for feeling left with nothing, I wouldn’t have realized what I did have left. Thank you for taking everything away, for it showed me what I truly value.
Thank you for breaking my heart. Thank you for loving me and letting me love you. Thank you for letting me get so attached that you held my heart in your one hand while you attacked it with the other. All the while I stood on, watching… letting you. You held my heart so tightly, so close to you, removed from me, that you broke it. Not mine or in my possession anymore, I still felt the excruciating pain that resulted. Thank you, for making me take my heart back and sew it back up inside me. It may not be capable of what it once was, it may look different, scare some people away and be the one that people avoid… but I learned to love and care for it. For you made me learn how to truly love myself.
Thank you for making me strong. I was weak before, you met me at my weakest moment of my life that far. Since then I have not only survived worse but gained an amazing sense of self and awareness of my strength. Mentally, physically, emotionally… you pushed my limits, and I learned to push back. Until, eventually, I pushed away from what was no good for me anymore. It isn’t ideal that you weren’t what was good for me anymore but thank you. For you showed me what strength I had to do what was right for me.
Thank you for making me capable. As I said before, I was a girl when I met you. I didn’t know how to take care of myself, I didn’t know what I was capable of doing. If it weren’t for all these struggles I’ve faced since meeting you, I wouldn’t be the independent person I am today. There are so many barriers I face caused by people, economics, culture… to name a few. Thank you for helping me learn that I’m a strong, capable, independent woman, who can also ask for help when she needs a hand with a step forward.
Thank you for my Son. Of all the things of mine that were sold, broken, held against me, threatened, and used as bribery… thank you for giving me my son. I will always remember that I asked for him. I will always remember that he was a gift from you. I will always remember that I fought to keep him from the day I found out I was pregnant with him. He is the best thing in my entire life, and I thank you for him. For without you, I wouldn’t have him.
I don’t forgive you for how you treated me. I don’t forgive me for how I treated you. I recognize I wasn’t so peachy to be married to by the end either. Abuse is a cycle and I was getting very dizzy. I’ll show humility and apologize for a crappy marriage. I’ll take what blame that is due to be placed on me. But I won’t take blame or responsibility for the damage you caused.
I will thank you though.
Thank you for the laughs, the good memories, for our son. Thank you for hurting me. Thank you for treating me so badly, for treating my life like it was expendable. For without both this good and bad, I wouldn’t have survived and become who I am today.
The end is here, it’s time to turn the page.
This chapter is over. I’m officially on to the next. I’ve learned a lot from this last chapter of my life. There is a chance I will forget the minor lessons that were presented, but the major ones I will not let slip from memory.
One of the best things I’ve learned from you is how to be thankful. Thankful for what I do have, to look for the silver lining, to be grateful. Life is a wonderful thing, and as long as I’m still breathing, I’ve still got a life worth living. And for that, I am thankful.
My life is a constant struggle. Some days I’m flying in the sky and some days I am barely able to stay afloat. But I’m here, and I continue to fight back every day. I learned how to fight. How to survive. How to guard my heart. How capable I am. How to ask for help. How to love myself. How to put myself back together. How to not give up. The end is here, and I’m still standing. I’m ready to take a step forward and move on to my next chapter.
Here I go.