I’m writing this in my second trimester, because I honestly didn’t think I’d make it though my first. Every pregnancy is different for every person. I know that. But I had never felt so horrible in my life. And trust me, I know what it feels like to be dying. And this, was like the devil himself was trying to kill me from the inside out. (sorry Aunti)
Lets start at the beginning.
So I had a inkling that something was different. I told Adrien I think we should get a pregnancy test. We bought one and he kept telling me to take it. I kept saying no.. no.. wait a few days. See if Mother Nature is gonna do her duty and ruin another week of my life and tell me I’m not pregnant. Besides, I knew the first pee in the morning is best to test this kind of thing out. (I read the instructions…) I woke up on a Friday, nice and early as per my work schedule, even though it was my day off! arg. And I just had to take it. I knew I had to take it. So I got out of bed while Adrien was passed out, as per the usual, and peed on the stick. I paced in the bathroom as I waited to see the results. And there it was. a Negative… I looked at it. Studied that stick with my urine on it. And realized it did indeed have a super faint plus. that verticle line was so faint I couldn’t even get a clear picture. Being the kind of person that knows basically nothing about this subject, decided to ask a veteran. I texted my sister. She said go to the doctors. A few hours later the doctor came in and said ‘Well, that confirmed it.’ Me, being the loser I am, had to ask if it confirmed positive or negative. It was positive. Nice. I was happy. and sad. and scared. I was so emotional. I couldn’t cry though. pathetic. haha Christine and Sarah were in the same mall that I was at and I met up and told them. Christine cried. Sarah said congrats. Trinity kept hugging my belly saying she couldn’t wait for a new brother or sister… yeah, we tried to explain it’d be her cousin, like the ones in Alberta… I think she still prefers to call it her new brother or sister though. Ah kids. 🙂 I went to Target and bought a cute lil onsie that said ‘Rad like Dad’. I thought it was suiting because Adriens last name. Went home and told him to close his eyes I had a present. He wasn’t as accepting at first. “You sure? did you go to the doctors already? It came back positive? well, alright then. We’re having a baby.”
I found out when I was exactly 4 weeks along. Which was kind of a bummer, because it leads to a very long pregnancy. I wish I found out at like 6-8 weeks. but noooo, girl has to have intuition. Might be for the best. at about 5/6 weeks along I started to get sick. I didn’t think it’d happen so early, or so fast. The cravings as well. I needed everything coated in Maple syrup. It was delicious. I can’t stand the smell anymore, but at the time 🙂 Woah, back track. Sickness. It didn’t really fully hit me until one morning I was at work making coffee. I worked alone for a few hours, and if it got busy, I just moved faster. The coffee spilled because I forgot to open a lid for the hot stuff to pour in to. Hazelnut coffee. I must have thrown up three times in the coffee bar garbage can that day. But that was just the beginning. Soon everything started to irritate me. hot dog grease. Hot food like chicken wings. ugh. I couldn’t eat breakfast most mornings. If I did it usually resulted in me buying a toothbrush and toothpaste at work quickly after. I learned to keep a set in my purse. Soon it wasn’t just at work. I didn’t usually get a decent lunch break, perkes of working at 7-Eleven. so the few bites I got in at lunch usually stayed down. I’d go home and have a snack. throw it up. Dinner, within the hour I’d be in the bathroom. I started to lose my appitite completely as a result. I would rather not eat than suffer… and taste… that nasty stuff we call food. At work I started to suffer. Not from the smells of coffee and food. I would be cold. I’d be wearing the cooler jacket (big, puffy, makes you look like the Michelin man) on the hottest days of summer. People would come in and just look at me incredilously. Until I handed them change and they felt my ice cold fingers and saw me literally shaking they realized I needed a huge winter coat in the middle of summer.
I then started to get these horrible stomach pains. Like the worst period cramps imaginable. curling into a ball didn’t help. hot water, cold water, taking a breather. nothing. It got so bad I left work one day and went to the Emergency room. I was diagnosed with dehydration and Mal-nutrition. great. So they wanted me to eat, even though I’ll throw it all back up and become more dehydrated. Doctors are funny. I went in to my OB office a week before my first actual appointment and got these little morning sickness pills. They worked… for now. I ended up quitting my job, as a result of many unfortunate happenings. but by week 9 I believe, we were in Alberta visiting family. That was great. I drove, I’d done it before. It was fun. Not while pregnant. Hi there, let me introduce you to exhaustion. Growing a person apparently takes a lot out of you. I couldn’t stand certain smells while out there. I felt bad, because I didn’t eat most dinners with everyone. I’d be sleeping or have to leave so I don’t vomit all over the table. My family is pretty awesome, they understood and didn’t take it personally. While out there, I got a fever. oh wow, that was… I hate being sick. I was in bed crying. Adrien was at a loss of what to do. I just cried and slept and complained when he tried to take my blanket away because I was getting way to hot. It sucked. The drive back from Alberta took a day longer, because once again, exhaustion hit me, and I didn’t want to drive.
Lets change colours. That was too bright.
Back home I could no longer keep my pills down. The prenatal vitamins I gave up on completely. Flintstones were the way to go. but I gagged on them. My sickness pills? yeah my cupboard is full of them. Iron? Pffft, even before I was pregnant I couldn’t keep those bad boys down. soon fruit was the only thing I could really eat. Quickly that stopped though, the day I threw up honey dew melon was the day I literally thought I would never eat again. I was super glad to no longer be working because I was always light headed, I couldn’t eat and had no energy. Couldn’t take any pills. I would lay on a little area rug in the living room crying in pain and frustration. Adrien would lay down beside me stroking my arm or hair trying to tell me it’d be alright and I’ll get over this part soon. of course I didn’t believe him. I didn’t think he even believed him. It sucked. I felt like the most horrible person on earth. Every night I would wish before I fell asleep that I would have a miscarriage. I’d tell my mom, sister, friend and Adrien I want an abortion. I didn’t want to be pregnant. I didn’t want to suffer. Who in their right mind would ever want to be pregnant if this is what it felt like? an idiot. that’s who. I felt like a horrible mother. Wishing death upon her unborn child. I don’t deserve to be a mom. How could I think like that? honestly.
I went to a prenatal appointment and told my doctor my blues. She said, of course, This is all normal. Well thanks a lot Doc. You’re a great help. She then took out the Doppler and said the goopy gel is gonna be cold. And then I heard it. My baby’s heart beat. It was the most magical thing ever. It only lasted like 20 seconds before she put it away and sent me home. I was alone at the appointment when I heard it. It was, quite honestly, the thing that got me though it all. That little Bean inside me, was livin’ it up inside me. Thriving even. And I knew I could do it.
I still felt horrible for wishing for a miscarriage. So many people can’t get pregnant in the world, and I actually wished for it. But I am so happy that I was allowed to continue to suffer and carry my Bean. Adrien was at a meeting at work and was upset when I told him I heard it without him. I didn’t even know I was going to hear it. I didn’t cry when I heard it, like most people say you will. I just felt, I don’t know what I felt. I just knew I could do it. After a week or two more the sickness disappeared. Like, in an instant. I was sick in the morning, and then not at dinner. It was super weird. All of my symptoms disappeared. Doc said that was normal too. She then proceeded to say: